My weight is my security blanket. 

When I was 264.2 pounds men wouldn’t so much as even look at me once, let alone twice.  I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be heavy and alone for the rest of my life. 

When I was heavy I wouldn’t ever be considered for the leading lady role in a musical. No one wants to see a fat Maria next to Captain Von Trapp, or a chubby Marian the Librarian up against Harold Hill. I had to come to terms with the fact that my size was going to keep me in the ensemble or backstage for life. 

My weight has become a security blanket. My size has become the catch all for things I failed at. 

If I’m heavier it is the reason I didn’t make my time goal at my race. The extra weight slowed me down. 

If I’m heavier it’s the reason I didn’t get cast in the musical. The director needed a smaller look. 

If I’m heavier men won’t hit on me. Since I’ve hardly even dated anyone with the exception of my husband, attention from men makes me nervous because I’m not used to it. When I was 264 pounds everyone paid attention to my roommates and thought I was just the fun friend. 

If I’m heavier I don’t have to commit to buying nice clothes since I’m always losing weight. 

If I’m heavier I can always have a few extra bites because I’m constantly in weight loss or weight gain mode. 

If I’m heavier I am the fat, funny friend that no one ever has to take seriously, so I can mask all my real feelings by making jokes about them, rather than talk about them. 

If I’m heavier I can blame absolutely everything on my lingering few pounds. These extra 20 pounds are my excuse for everything.  My waist line and I have become best friends. It dictates my life. 

Getting to goal scares me because I won’t have my security blanket anymore.

2017 is going to be my chance to break that security blanket and let go. I’m ready to say sayonara to my security blanket.  One small step at a time. This means coming to terms with the reality of not having my “excuse” anymore. But that’s what helps us to grow.  If you’re ready, I’m ready. Let’s do this 2017. 

-Vanessa 

3 thoughts on “My weight is my security blanket. 

  1. I think I sabotage myself. I’ve been gaining and losing the same 5 lbs all last year. I also binge eat. For some reason I give myself permission. I’m great at keeping at my running and crosstrainig schedule. I too am on weight watchers, I lost s lot of weight in it years ago so I know it works. I too feel my last 20 lbs holds me up from getting that PR or being able to do a pull up. I don’t have any answers as to why I do this to myself. I hope I can figure it out in 2017.

    Like

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