I wish I wasn’t writing this post. I wish I wasn’t in this situation.

I start my new job tomorrow, and had a reality check that my current wardrobe is mostly too casual to wear to work during the winter. When summer and spring cycle back around I have some great dresses, but for now I’ve been wearing mostly Lularoe leggings that have boom boxes, kiwis and flying pigs on them and I figured it was time to make a good impression on my new colleagues so that wouldn’t fly. 

I’ve been wearing said leggings because the jeans I currently own don’t fit.  They’re too small. 

In February I found myself gleefully purchasing two pairs of size eight jeans from Old Navy (the only place I buy my jeans because I love their curvy cut). This photo was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been in traffic for three hours getting home from a work conference and stopped in to buy pants and it was worth it. This picture was posted on my Instagram (find me @vancesa) and Weight Watchers asked me if they could use it in their email newsletter, to which I cheerfully said yes! 

Fast forward to almost a year later. Here we are. I can’t fit into those jeans. I can’t even squeeze into them. I bought a pair of jeans that are two sizes bigger. Yes, you read that right. I bought a pair of size 12s today. 

But aren’t you losing weight Vanessa?  Why are you buying bigger jeans?  Does that mean you’re failing?

Those are the words I heard in my head as I walked in to Old Navy hoping I could find one pair of pants that would fit so I could quietly make the charge and walk out with no one knowing my shame. 

But I stopped and composed myself. I would never say those things to a friend. Why am I saying them to myself?

I reminded myself how far I’ve come. That I may be up two sizes but I’m not back to size 20, in the pair of denim shorts I wore to college graduation. 

Life has not been the easiest to me the last few months. That’s another story for another day. I found myself over the last few months emotionally eating more than I realized until I looked in my weight loss rear view mirror and realized all the time I’ve spent in my spandex has also kept me in denial about my waist line. 

I realize today in the dressing room I have two choices. 

1. Continue to be in denial about my size and hope that eventually I get back into my jeans 
2. Take the bull by the horns and buy a pair of jeans that are comfortable and make me feel good, and work really hard toward getting back to my 8’s, and realize this is a blessing and opportunity to reflect on where I am in my weight loss journey. 

Losing weight for some, is a mere calories in and out and getting straight to goal. It has not been that way to me. I have gone up and down, side to side, back and forth, every which way. But I have never, ever, ever given up on myself. 

That means I’m winning and not failing at my weight loss journey. That means I’m equipped with tools to be successful. 

So I bought my 30% off jeans and a pair of clearance Capri pants and I’m ready to fit back into my 8’s when I get there. I’m gonna work so hard for it. But for now, my 12’s will get me through. 

With health and a new pair of denim. Cheers to starting my new job tomorrow!

-Vanessa