The journey back to 168 because I’m all in. 

Hello!  How are you?  Me, I am fine. Today is Administrative Professionals Day! 🎉 I took myself out to lunch to celebrate (I work as an administrative assistant)

Let’s talk about the following statement:

I am not my weight. 

About a year ago I hit my lowest weight of 168.6 pounds. It was awesome. I was obsessed with getting below 170. The obsession was a little unhealthy, now that I am looking back on it. I wrote the number 169 everywhere so I wouldn’t lose focus.  I exercised like a maniac. I watched every little morsel of what went in my mouth. I was obsessed with getting 16,000 steps a day and over a gallon of water. I was happy and didn’t feel obsessed at the time. Maybe I was and maybe I wasn’t. But looking back I obviously have not been able to sustain that weight or that schedule/lifestyle. 

Me at my lowest weight, April 2016

Then I trained for and ran my first marathon and gained back a few pounds but it was fine because I was running a marathon.  I was back to the 170’s but it was no big deal. I would shed those extra five pounds and get back to it. 

Then I had a situation a week after the marathon where I was completely degraded and torn apart by someone who I should have been in a trusting relationship with. It left me in tears and feeling very damaged. And I began a downward spiral of being disconnected from my body, my goals and my emotions. I kept running, but my food became my friend again and I went through some big personal changes and the holidays came and I changed jobs at the end of the year.  This spiral went on for months. And now, here I am, finding myself past the 160’s, 170’s AND 180’s, at a solid 191 pounds. Yep. 22 pounds from a year ago. 

Me kicking butt at 191 pounds

When I think about last year, if I were to be asked what my biggest accomplishments were, the first one would be the marathon with my rockstar finish time of 6:07:28. Then shortly in line after that I would say getting cast in a musical, getting offered the first job I interviewed for, and PRing every race distance last year. 

Nowhere on there does the pounds I gained or lost make the cut. 

It has taken me a long time to really understand what it means when I say “I am not my weight”. I know that when I weigh less I run faster and more of my clothes fit, but weighing more or less doesn’t take away what I accomplish or what I’m working towards. 

I am determined to find my focus again and get back to the 160’s and ultimately, my goal of 164.2, but even if that takes longer than I realized it would, I feel a little wiser this time around and a little less obsessed with the number. It will come if I work for it. It will stay if I can learn to live a balanced lifestyle. 

So I’ve found my focus again because my Weight Watchers leader reminded me that I am “all in” and that I can just keep making the best choices. I can and I will. 

Cheers to being all in,


I run and I eat and I struggle with my weight: the fat to fit saga

On Sunday I ran 9 miles at an average pace of 11:55. That’s not my best but it’s actually pretty darn good, considering I’m carrying an extra 22 pounds more than I was this time last year while training for my last half marathon. 

After my run on Sunday I ate (moderately) well. I had my coffee, my electrolyte drink, banana, a handful of yogurt pretzels. Then when I could actually eat a real meal, I had chicken breast, red potatoes and green salad with lots of veggies and dark leafy greens. Then I had some yogurt and raspberries. Then for dinner I had a big salad with beets and greens, lemonade, pizza, and a kids scoop of ice cream.

Not the greatest meal, but not the worst I’ve had lately.

Then, as it always does on Mondays, it began. 

The feeling of runger. 

 By about 10:00 I had sat through a meeting and all I could think about how hungry I was. This was of course, after I had eaten my nutrient dense breakfast just hours before. I was grateful to find some cottage cheese in last week’s lunch bag that I forgot to take home on Friday. Then at lunch I found myself face to face with a giant grilled chicken breast, brown rice and roasted veggies. Then I found some more of those yogurt pretzels (oops).  On the way to the gym I found some almond butter in my car and wolfed that and a banana down.  By the time I got out of my coreworks class and had an hour until rehearsal, I looked at my tracker and realized I was going to have to take out a points loan in order to get through dinner. 

I hate when this internal battle begins. 

I caught myself knowing I had to eat something to get through rehearsal and the…

  • I am in the middle of training for a half marathon side of me said “spend a few extra points and eat something nutrient dense that will satisfy you so you don’t crash”
  • I am trying to lose weight side of me said eat something with as few calories as possible and just “get by”
  • Fat kid side of me said “there’s a taqueria next to the gym” 😂😂😂

I struggle because the numbers game is so engrained in my brain. If I eat within a certain target of numbers I will lose weight. But then I struggle because I know that I am also being active like a maniac and that’s just not always enough fuel. 

I used to be very in tune with my hunger levels and staying within a number target before I became so active. 

I find myself looking for guidance from other runners who have lost and maintained weight because I find them to be more relatable than just people in weight loss mode at this stage in my journey. 

I just want you all to know that weight loss isn’t a one size fits all. Gotta find what works for you. And sometimes that changes through different stages in life. ❤️

Cheers to healthy eating!


How to speak to a loved one about their weight 

I have never really talked about this, but I think it is a really important topic that does not get addressed. 

Let me start by sharing that I have been so, so, so fortunate in my life that those around me, and ESPECIALLY, my mother (thanks momma ❤️) never harped on me about my weight. I, against the usual freshmen 15, actually lost 20 pounds my freshmen year of college.  From my first moment of weight loss, I yo-yoed. I entered college at 220 pounds, got down to 200 at the end of freshmen year and then joined and quit and rejoined Weight Watchers probably 2-3 times throughout my college career until I ballooned up to my highest of 264.2 pounds before moving home after graduation. My mom invited me (NOT force me) to join Weight Watchers with her and this has been the successful time (and looking back I’m wondering if that was more for me than for her) and we would talk about the health issues that ran in our family and how Weight would affect them. That’s how I got to where I am now, seven years later. But she never, ever talked down to me or “fat shamed” me, which I think is a big part of why I was successful when I was ready to be. 

Weight can be such a delicate topic. For me, there are two sides of it. What I look like, and how my weight will affect my longevity of life. When discussing someone’s weight, it can be a matter of losing weight will make them “look better”, or it can mean that if they don’t get it together, their health and life can be at risk. 

I have had two people, for lack of a better word, shame me for my weight struggles. These two people, who were well intended in their words at various points in my adult life, were not willing to listen to my struggles around food. As an athlete, I’ve become hyper aware of how what I eat affects my performance, and as someone who has done extensive research in nutrition for my own personal knowledge, I know what is healthy, what is less healthy, and that portion control and eating til satisfaction with moderate indulgences is the way to get to a number you like and stay there.  I felt belittled on these two different instances. Once, by someone who I felt judged by for confessing a binge I once went on at a holiday meal, and one for the fact that I had gained weight back and that I wasn’t focusing enough on my root causes that could have kept me at my lowest weight. I write this and don’t mean to attack these two people, they were trying to help, but it wasn’t and isn’t the support I need. 

For some people who may be in a similar mindset as me, losing weight isn’t just about eating less and moving more. It becomes a change in your identity. I feel this to be especially true for people who have been heavy their entire life, or for people who have 50+ pounds to lose. It becomes unlearning bad behaviors. It means addressing your coping mechanisms and figuring out how to live without the unhealthy ones and change them with more positive ones.  Let me say it again. They may not just need a lesson on calories. They may need more than that. 

When I was in college I spent a lot of time with food as a friend. People would go out, and if I was lonely, I would get food and hide in my room. I was ashamed of my size, but I was stuck in a never ending cycle. The more I hated myself, the more I ate and the more I ate, the more I obsessed with my disgusting belly size and, well… you get it.  The cycle continued. So the thought of just eating less and moving more wasn’t necessarily applicable in this situation. I needed to address some deep, dark areas of my life in order to not only lose weight, but keep it off. 

If there is someone in your life whose weight you are concerned about, whether it be a friend, family member, colleague, child, etc. I want to share some of the following insight as someone who has been on the other side. 

Lead by example. If there is someone in your life who is working on their health, or is a major part of your meal structure and you want to encourage them to change their habits be part of the process. Don’t sit across from someone who is trying to succeed with eating chicken and Brussels sprouts while you are eating deep dish pizza while they need the support.  My husband and I are finally at a point where I can eat a salad while he eats a burrito, but it took years to get there. Encourage your companion to try something new by doing it with them. Go on evening walks together, go to the grocery store together, ask how their food day went. Try a new recipe together. Be in it with them. 

Please don’t berate them. Please talk to them with an open heart. Express your concerns if you can find an appropriate avenue to do so, but don’t force anyone to feel uncomfortable. The harder you push someone to see it your way, the harder they may shy away from you, which defeats the purpose of expressing your concerns. 

Share past experience or knowledge with them. If you have a family history of health issues, or if you have struggled with weight, it is ok to share that and be open about it. It may help that loved one see why you want to talk to them about their weight. If your reasons are not ones of vanity and looks, and come from another place, vocalize that to them.  Tell them you are concerned about the heart problems  that runs in the family.  Share with them the pain you had from carrying extra weight and how it hurt your back.  By my mom reminding me of the PCOS that runs in my family and that my family has a history of diabetes, and how getting to a healthier weight could help stabilize my PCOS and eliminate me getting diabetes, it was a real positive reason to focus on my weight loss goals. 

But after you bring it up, move on. If you express to someone something like, “I just wanted to talk with you about your health. I know you’ve been struggling with your weight and want to support you. We have some health concerns that run in our family, which is why I bring it up, and want to be there to help ease the struggle so you’re not faced with complications from weight.”  Say what you have to say AND THEN MOVE ON. Like I previously said, do not continue to bring it up. The more you bring it up, the farther you may drive someone away. 

Know that even if what you say resonates with your loved one right away, that it could take years for them to be ready to make a change. I always knew I needed to lose weight but it wasn’t as easy as changing calories in and calories out. Food is my drug. I regained some of my weight this past winter because I would binge eat spoonfuls of peanut butter at my desk to cope with my emotions while I debated leaving my job. I know that that’s not necessary but food has always been there for me and it was there when I needed it. Imagine that times 1000 for people just starting out. For people who are working to get in the right mindset to lose weight, it’s not just about weighing less. Your whole identity may change. I went from being the fat, funny friend that I had been my entire life, to finding a new identity. To becoming a runner and losing my “excuse” that when things didn’t go my way in life, that my size was not the thing to blame. The way one fits into their world may be different and that can take some time to wrap their mind around. For people who have adapted to a lifestyle of drive thrus, big gulps and take out (guilty), it is a hard shift to completely change that in one fell swoop. For people who are sedentary, the thought of being active may take a while to adjust to. Be patient with your loved one. If they are ready to lose weight, they will start the journey when they’re mentally ready to. 

Just be there to support them if they have welcomed and invited the support. Make offers to walk together, cook together, go to Weight Watchers together.  Be someone that loved one knows they can go to with questions, fears and doubts. Don’t judge them. Be open, love them as they start their journey.  Accept that they will fall and struggle. They will beat themselves up. Be there to remind them they’re doing a great job. Every little step in the right direction counts. They will need that. I still need that. 

Everyone is on a different journey. Be mindful that everyone has a different way that they will receive your concern and what works for one person won’t be the same way to convey the message to the other. Just be kind and come from a place of caring.  Please don’t overstep your boundaries. Read for signals if someone feels uncomfortable about anything in discussion and allow them space if they need a moment to regroup, or need to step away from the conversation or situation.  

That’s what I recommend to you. Hope this helps.   ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

With love,


17 miles

I have thinking a lot about this lately and felt it was appropriate to put into words. 

Besides the actual marathon itself, there has been one distance I’ve run that was life changing during marathon training. It was 17 miles. 

That date was June 16, 2016.  I was about a month and a half into my four months of marathon training. 

If you look closely you can see that my eyes are more puffy and red than usual. 

That’s because I started crying immediately after finishing running. “Quiet Uptown” from Hamilton started playing right at the end of my run. I was in an emotional frenzy. I battled through the end of the run and was so glad to not stop on my Garmin. I remember thinking “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Why am I doing this?  I CAN’T DO THIS. I AM NOT A MARATHON RUNNER. I CANNOT ACHIEVE THIS GOAL.”

I was so so so grateful no one was around for my meltdown. 

In that moment I allowed myself to have a meltdown. It’s important not to dismiss your feelings right away when they are real ones.  Then in that moment I had a pep talk with myself. I said self, you either figure out how to get through these exhausting, fatiguing moments and this scary part of race training, or you go home and you email the race director and request a downgrade to the half marathon. 

It was a moment where I really understood this quote. 

17 miles will always resonate as the hardest run I’ve ever done. Mentally, it was a battle I was afraid I could not win. I fought hard. For hours. And hours. And I came out the other side a little stronger than when I went in. 

This moment has been on my mind lately for a variety of reasons, but one of the biggest ones is that I have really been itching to say it but have not been sure how to say it or who to say it to. But I’ve found the little voice inside of me to confess it. 

I am setting a new goal to qualify and run Boston. 

This is a lofty goal. I’m not saying when it will happen, but I’ve been thinking in my heart about who I am and where I see myself in the future.  And as a current 6+ hour marathon finisher, I am afraid of this goal. I know it will take years of focus and hard work. But I also know that when I sat on the curb on June 16, 2016 and cried and decided that everything I ever wanted was on the other side of my fears and self doubt, I realized that I can achieve absolutely anything I put my mind to, in due time. 

17 mile training run made me stronger.  I’m ready to use that strength and power forward to be an amazing individual.