When I first joined Weight Watchers, I was desperate to lose weight so I could get cast in musicals. I was fresh out of college with my degree in music and singing showtunes day in and day out. My size was holding me back, and after going to an audition I thought I really stood a chance at and not being called back, I knew I had to make a change. And to be honest with you, I walked into the doors of my Weight Watchers meeting expecting to just lose a little and quit, just like I always had. But I didn’t and now here we are.

The topic of my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday was “what’s your why” and after hearing numerous people share amazing reasons like health and being around for great grandkids, I shared that I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to perform in musicals and I wanted to run faster. I also shared that I, and I quote, “felt like a real a-hole” that my reasons seemed so shallow compared to everyone else. I swear, everyone in the room (a great group of WW members that I’ve known for years) groaned at me at the same time and almost beat me up for devaluing my why, reminding me that they love watching me on the stage and to not give it up. And after the meeting I told my leader I felt like a really piece of work that I didn’t raise my hand and say something inspiring like “I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy to have a baby!” and she assured me it was ok to have the reasons I have. I don’t know that I felt convinced of that when I walked out the door, but didn’t put much more thought into it. And I left and decided it just wasn’t a topic I could find more value in.

But then I went for my Sunday long run, and I was in a bad mood. I was tired, and when I’m tired I do NOT carry myself well. I am a nightmare to be around when I’m exhausted. But somehow as I was running, this bizarre montage of events began playing through my head. But not just the moments. The feelings that corresponded with those events.

• Not PRing the 5k I ran in October. Disappointing.
• Sitting in a chair and breaking it many years ago. Mortifying.
• Walking into a dress store at my heaviest to find a senior recital gown, picking one up and the sales associate saying “YOU KNOW THATS A SIZE 12 RIGHT?!?” Embarrassing.
• “You’re pretty but other girls are way hotter” Devastating.
• Crossing the finish line at CIM and wondering what I could have run if I wasn’t carrying extra weight. Frustrating.
• Auditioning for a musical and not getting cast. Heartbreaking.
• Being too heavy to walk for long periods of time just on a simple day like a trip to the mall. Scary.

And then I realized the cool things that will be afforded to me with losing weight.

• Running way faster
• Shopping for clothes
• Less potential health issues when it’s time to start a family
• More energy
• Better sleep
• More musicals
• Looking how I want to look

And I realized that while the biggest reasons for my why are musicals and being faster, I also have many past moments in life that I don’t want to go back to, and many potentials that I do.

A woman in my meeting said she simply “did not want to be the fat one” anymore, and I so identified with that. I want people to describe me as “the one with the glasses”, or “the Filipino”, or “that one funny girl”, or “that girl who performs in musicals and runs marathons!” I don’t want to be described as, “you know, that one heavyset girl”.

Whatever your why is, don’t feel any shame over it. It may feel deep, or it may feel shallow. But it is your motivation and you deserve to hold on to it hard, and use it to motivate you with all your might.

Cheers to holding your why close by. ❤️