Hi! How are you? Me, I’m great. But tired from visiting New York over the weekend. 😴😴😴

This post is really hard for me to write but it’s really important for me to do so.

I feel stuck. I feel bored. I feel stale. I’m in a rut.

I’ve been struggling with my mind and food for the last few months. About 3 weeks before my December marathon I decided I needed to get my act together and really commit to my weight loss. I am currently feeling uncomfortable with the extra weight I’ve found, and am afraid of seeing the scale going up more.

At first things felt solid. Then a little bumpy around the holidays, and then pretty solid again. And now I find myself playing a yo-yo of up and down on the scale. It’s not for lack of trying. I’m sort of commit. Sort of. I’ll be honest.

I am feeling uninspired. But I also am terrified to see the scale go up again. TERRIFIED. It is bad enough that I’ve let it go up to where I am now and gained as much weight back as I have. So I’m seeing that I have done what I never said I would do.

I am finding that I’ve unintentionally put myself on a diet.

Yes, I said it. That four letter word.

But I’m not losing weight. You’re supposed to lose weight on a diet. What gives?

I’ve discovered that 80% of the time I am forcing myself to eat foods that you tell yourself you should eat when you’re trying to lose weight. Chicken breast, spiralized vegetables, cauliflower rice. Weird protein bars with names you can’t pronounce. I’m choking down things because I’m supposed to.

And then what happens is I’m holding on so tight to being on a diet that I let loose and go too crazy and go off my diet. I’m going too extreme one way or the other.

Then I start picking at my husbands leftovers. And eating candy at work. And eating my boring vegetable dinner and then eating what I really wish I wanted to eat later as a second dinner.

And the scale goes up one week and down the next. And then repeat.

And finally last night after standing in the frozen section of Trader Joe’s deciding which frozen vegetable in the shape of a carbohydrate and lean protein I was going to eat for the 1,000th time in a row, I decided I had had enough. I was sick of carrot spirals and cauliflower stir fry. I’m tired of eggs and tofu and chicken breast.

I decided I was going to have a bowl of cereal for dinner.

This may seem like it is a stupid thing to write about, but if you’ve ever felt guilty about your diet, you know that things like cereal “aren’t filling”, or “you could be more satiated with a heartier meal for the same calories” or “carbs are bad for you” or [insert comment to make you feel guilty about what you’re eating here].

I needed just a few moments of a break. I needed to stop working about calories to fat to protein ratios and grams and balance and vegetables and lean protein. I needed to stop feeling guilty that I wasn’t forcing myself to choke down a chicken breast and kale salad.

I needed a moment to stop worrying about what I should be eating, and to just sit on the couch with a bowl of cereal while watching the last episode I had left of Queer Eye.

I needed a break from thinking about how this was a bad choice. Plenty of very healthy people eat cereal for dinner sometimes.

I am stuck in a rut. I don’t know how I’ll get out of that rut quite yet. But for one glorious meal, and about 325 calories, I felt like I had just taken the tiniest break from my diet.

I’m hoping I find my tiny little bit of spark again and get my head in the right spot. I’m making progress. I’ll get there. Have you ever felt mentally stuck in a diet? How did you get out and get back to intuitive eating instead?

Cheers to cereal!

-Vanessa