On food and feelings

I would like to start this by saying that I am so sorry to everyone who has lost anything or anyone due to the Camp Fire. I don’t mean to make light of your situation with my post, and merely want to express my words in case others need to hear them.

The last few days have been challenging. There’s a fire 150 miles from me that’s currently over 120,000 acres spread and only 30% contained. The air is thick with smoke over 200 miles from me in either direction.

I’ve used a lot of my emotional strength to say “it’s ok, a lot of people have it way worse than I do. I need to be grateful!” and I do, and I am. I’ve said “it’s ok my races got cancelled, it’s just money I’ve lost!” and it’s true. It’s just money. Not lives, not homes. But after a while the determination of being strong wears on me, and I can always see it in the following way.

I want a donut.

This morning after I had gone running at the gym, I was feeling emotional. I knew it was a combo of feeling off from my routine, and finally letting myself have some healthy alone time on the treadmill. I felt empty and alone and despite having packed two breakfasts, lunch and two snacks for work, I knew my emotions were getting to me when the thought 💭 I want a 🍩 donut came into my head.

I clearly didn’t need a donut. My eggs and oatmeal, chicken breast with rice, Greek yogurt and fruit and turkey breast were neatly packed in my Lululemon reusable bag that doubled as my lunch bag today. But when I feel sad, food is always my go to for comfort. And I don’t find myself going face first immediately into a bag of cool ranch Doritos, I see it subtly in little things like wanting a donut or the spoon going into the peanut butter jar. Temporary happiness comes from food in those moments where I just. Feel. Sad.

No, I didn’t get the donut. I realized I was feeding my feelings and not my belly if I did. But it’s important to know that I might have this feeling again at some point, and I’ll keep it at bay again and again and again.

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