Cereal for Dinner.

Hi! How are you? Me, I’m great. But tired from visiting New York over the weekend. 😴😴😴

This post is really hard for me to write but it’s really important for me to do so.

I feel stuck. I feel bored. I feel stale. I’m in a rut.

I’ve been struggling with my mind and food for the last few months. About 3 weeks before my December marathon I decided I needed to get my act together and really commit to my weight loss. I am currently feeling uncomfortable with the extra weight I’ve found, and am afraid of seeing the scale going up more.

At first things felt solid. Then a little bumpy around the holidays, and then pretty solid again. And now I find myself playing a yo-yo of up and down on the scale. It’s not for lack of trying. I’m sort of commit. Sort of. I’ll be honest.

I am feeling uninspired. But I also am terrified to see the scale go up again. TERRIFIED. It is bad enough that I’ve let it go up to where I am now and gained as much weight back as I have. So I’m seeing that I have done what I never said I would do.

I am finding that I’ve unintentionally put myself on a diet.

Yes, I said it. That four letter word.

But I’m not losing weight. You’re supposed to lose weight on a diet. What gives?

I’ve discovered that 80% of the time I am forcing myself to eat foods that you tell yourself you should eat when you’re trying to lose weight. Chicken breast, spiralized vegetables, cauliflower rice. Weird protein bars with names you can’t pronounce. I’m choking down things because I’m supposed to.

And then what happens is I’m holding on so tight to being on a diet that I let loose and go too crazy and go off my diet. I’m going too extreme one way or the other.

Then I start picking at my husbands leftovers. And eating candy at work. And eating my boring vegetable dinner and then eating what I really wish I wanted to eat later as a second dinner.

And the scale goes up one week and down the next. And then repeat.

And finally last night after standing in the frozen section of Trader Joe’s deciding which frozen vegetable in the shape of a carbohydrate and lean protein I was going to eat for the 1,000th time in a row, I decided I had had enough. I was sick of carrot spirals and cauliflower stir fry. I’m tired of eggs and tofu and chicken breast.

I decided I was going to have a bowl of cereal for dinner.

This may seem like it is a stupid thing to write about, but if you’ve ever felt guilty about your diet, you know that things like cereal “aren’t filling”, or “you could be more satiated with a heartier meal for the same calories” or “carbs are bad for you” or [insert comment to make you feel guilty about what you’re eating here].

I needed just a few moments of a break. I needed to stop working about calories to fat to protein ratios and grams and balance and vegetables and lean protein. I needed to stop feeling guilty that I wasn’t forcing myself to choke down a chicken breast and kale salad.

I needed a moment to stop worrying about what I should be eating, and to just sit on the couch with a bowl of cereal while watching the last episode I had left of Queer Eye.

I needed a break from thinking about how this was a bad choice. Plenty of very healthy people eat cereal for dinner sometimes.

I am stuck in a rut. I don’t know how I’ll get out of that rut quite yet. But for one glorious meal, and about 325 calories, I felt like I had just taken the tiniest break from my diet.

I’m hoping I find my tiny little bit of spark again and get my head in the right spot. I’m making progress. I’ll get there. Have you ever felt mentally stuck in a diet? How did you get out and get back to intuitive eating instead?

Cheers to cereal!


I may want to lose weight, but am I ready?

Hi! How are you? Me, I’m great.

I am super excited because I just purchased Vanessa Goes From Fat to Fit (dot com)! I now own this webpage!

Last week at my Weight Watchers meeting, someone mentioned a statement that hit home with me. They said “they were finally ready to lose weight”.

When I left the meeting to go running, that thought sat in my head. Am I ready to lose weight? It sounds funny because I’m an active member of Weight Watchers so OF COURSE I am ready to lose weight. Right? Maybe not.

I’m seeing myself in two different mindsets right now. I want to lose weight vs I’m ready to lose weight.

For the longest time, even in the middle of this journey, I think I’ve only WANTED to lose weight. I don’t think for 2017 I was ready to do that.

I liken it to similar aspects of life. One may want to start a family, buy a house, find a new job, move to a different state, etc. but there’s this leap of faith between wanting something and being ready for it.

I think even though I’ve been on this weight loss journey for a while, I hit a stopping point where I wasn’t ready to lose weight.

Wasn’t ready to commit to meal prep.

Wasn’t ready to say no to candy.

Wasn’t ready to put myself and my food choices first.

I wasn’t ready to be in the mindset of weight loss.

I wanted the number on the scale to go down but I wasn’t ready for that to happen. My mind wasn’t in the right place.

And in that moment of realization I identified that we can go through waves of wanting vs readiness in this journey. Even in the trenches of it.

And now I’m feeling ready for it. I don’t just want it, I’m ready.

Cheers to readiness!


Are people really thinking about my weight?

Hi! How are you? Me, I’m great. This has been on my mind lately and last night at Zumba, the words floated through my head and it seemed like the right time to share this. Going to places you’ve been avoiding because the people there haven’t seen you after gaining weight.

2017 was a really exciting year of changes for me. I made a career change, was in two musicals, set forth on two opportunities with race ambassadorships and hit the ground running (no pun intended) with Coach Patrick. But with all these big changes coming to me at once, I lost the glory of the structure I had built for so many years of healthy eating and meal prep and working only 40 hours a week, and I gained weight and I gained it without even realizing it was happening.

This is where I was.

And this is where I am.

There’s a good 30-40 pounds gained between photos.

And in that time between the first photo and the second through 2017, my mind shifted and I suddenly found myself avoiding going to places I used to go to when I was thinner because I’ve been embarrassed to see people I haven’t seen since I gained weight.

As a self proclaimed “celebrate yourself at every size!” blogger, I feel like a hypocrite that I’d ever gotten into this mindset but for some reason I had. I was constantly circling through scripts of what people would be thinking. “How could she let herself go?”, or “wow she looks terrible because she’s put on weight.”

But earlier this year I was feeling sad that I hadn’t seen people or gone to things I had been avoiding. I had been making up excuses of why I didn’t have time to go, while secretly telling myself I would lose a few pounds and then go visit people. I eventually realized I needed to do the things I wanted to do and see the people I wanted to see. I needed to stop worrying so much. I heard a phrase that changed things for me. Reclaim my body. (More on that phrase coming up in a few weeks)

So I did that. I reclaimed myself. I stopped thinking about others thoughts and decided that weight gain and all, I would let myself go to places and see people I had been avoiding because of my size.

And the first time I did that, the conversations I had with people weren’t about how chubby I had gotten… they were exciting and fun. I got statements like

“You look so happy!”

“I see you posting about running all the time, when’s your next race?”

“Are you doing any musicals soon?”

And I remember that the worries are all in my head.

Are there people who may be silently judging my appearance now? Maybe. Is there anything I can do about that? Nope. So you know what? I will enjoy surrounding myself with social situations I had been avoiding and know that I’m working towards being better, but not waiting to go back to certain people or places until I weight the right amount.

Cheers to being happy, healthy and celebrating my size. ❤️


Staying True to You

I love my little blog and everything it is. But it’s been an interesting exercise in identity for me because my reach has grown. I’ve had some scenarios lately where I’ve really stepped back to think about this page and my goals to portray with the world.

First scenario, someone told me they were offended by the name of my blog.

I had commented the name of my blog somewhere and someone informed me that the notion “Fat to fit” was upsetting to them. That I was saying being fat was a bad thing. This really threw me for a loop. I was upset for a multitude of reasons, and apologized for the discomfort. But after stepping back I realized that the title of my journey is just that… it is mine and my story to tell. It was a moment of reflection for me… do I change my name? Do I justify the name? Do I remove my blog? But after stepping back I realized I didn’t want to change anything about my story, for now. I want to keep telling it.

Second scenario, a brand reached out to me to be an ambassador for their activewear… but I don’t think they actually carry sizes my followers wear… or my size.

Running this little blog has opened up lots of opportunities (all ambassador ships I have applied for, this was the first to be asked outright of me), so they all have meaning to me. In this instance, though a neat opportunity, I identify that I could not in good conscience support a brand I know nothing about while also running a blog that is about body strength and acceptance at all sizes, without having a bit larger sizing, including my own!

Mostly I just want to make commentary that while this post is specific to the blog, it comes full circle in real life. Be true to you, even if you feel questioned, pressured, or a cool opportunity comes to you but it doesn’t feel right for where you’re at in life.

Cheers to being happy and healthy and true to you!